What the What? #10: Fudging ridiculous.

So this happened a few years ago:

I glide out of the confessional. I’m moved, Enlightened. A spiritual aura surrounds me and is surely the reason that the people waiting in line for their own confessions have been giving me funny looks since I entered the room. The person I went with walks up to me and whispers “What the heck happened in there? It was kind of loud…”

Ten minutes earlier:

Me: (kneeling in confession) Bless me father, for I have sinned. It’s been…I don’t know…like a month(?) since my last confession, and I am sorry for my sins. 

Priest: (very seriously) What is it my child?

Me: Well, nothing big that I can think of, just you know, upkeep.

Priest: ‘Upkeep’? 

Me: Yeah.

Priest: Ok. Upkeep is always a good thing. 

Me: Oh, and I got into an argument with someone.

Priest: Well, you–

Me: And I cussed. Separate occasions.

Priest: Ok, what else?

Me: (brightly) Nothing much, I think that’s it.

Priest: You sure?

Me: Yep.

Priest: Ok. (getting down to business) You just have to–

 Me: Oh, and I geuss technically gluttony. 

Priest: …

Me: …

Priest: …gluttony?

Me: Yeah, well, you know, normally I’m not too bad about the self-control thing, but it’s the holidays and…well, we have fudge now.
(Priest snorts loudly and bursts into sustained laughter for a solid five minutes. This is so random that I in turn start to laugh just as hard. He’s crying, I’m crying; it’s weird but we can’t stop. Finally he gets control of himself and manages to fight off an asthma attack)

Priest: (wheezing) Ok, you’re fine, just say three Hail Marys when you get home and stay away from the fudge.



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